Well well well its been a minute..Forever evolving...everyday i become a new person not the same as i was yesterday and my mindset is not the same... i must say what i want today may not be what i want tomorrow. Im in a better place now than i was the last time i wrote But anywho lets do this.

 

You can't please everybody.... This is something that is always coming up. With me i sometimes find myself pleasing people and forgetting to make sure im happy first. This is crazy to me because i swear im the type thats against pleasing everybody because im very aware that this is impossible to do. smh.. Im a very happy person. I don't have any complaints about anything or anyone in my life. Im actually happy to have some of the people i didn't have in my life a year and a half ago. Which takes me to my point. It amazes me how things change...how people change and how things eventually play out. How one day you're just having casual conversation and the next thing you know things have gotten a little more serious than expected. Quite scary actually. Falling for someone you never meant to fall for is insane. Falling for one of your closest friends makes you crazy. Crazy to think that in a million years that they  could ever feel the way you do. smh. Ha . here we go... The hardest part about falling for this person is not knowing how to express yourself or controlling your emotions when you know he knows that you have something you wanna say but you don't. The hardest part when you finally do say it will mostlikely be the part when the person doesn't believe you or understand why you feel the way you do. You just want to let him know you care and you do wanna hear all of his problems no matter what they consist of. You just want to be there. Knowing how to control your emotions is a very important in these situations....

Hi my name is Helen (Hi Helen lmao) and im addicted to him. Its everything ive never had...but everything ive been waiting to experience... something i thought i'd never witness …him and his chocolate kisses….I often think to myself “so this is what ive been missing?”....i can never go too long without it…because when I do my body doesn’t function right…my mind can’t think straight. I can’t stop wanting him… the simple thought of him gets me excited..hoping there’s a chance I’d be able to touch him ,kiss him, taste him…most of all feel him soon. And when I get the chance to do all the things my mind wonders…I won’t hesitate. And its his if he wants it….always ready to give him that “Red Light Special”…he’s always “unpredictable”….its always unforgettable… never do I have to wonder if he’s gonna “put it down” without a doubt he blows my mind… im so stung out and I like it…and its all because of him…

I asked myself:
what do I fear?
What lingers in the depths of my consciousness that hinder forward progress?
I fear failure
I fear hate and love
The Hate and Love that are so consuming that I neglect my own well being
I fear that youre not real
That you are merely the manifestation of my imagination;
the essence of hopes and dreams.
Fear that if I blink,
youll disappear
If I breathe,
Youll vanish.
If I sleep,
all memories of you will dissolve into the abyss of forgetfulness.
And so I endure the waking hours,
Plagued by the pain of fear and uncertainty,
Hours blessed by the joy of your presence,
Hoping that your image is bound by flesh.